Playing Hard To Get

I sit across from her, at a table outside a cafe. It's comfortable and cloudy, though windy. I'm having orange chicken and coffee. She's only having water, even though I said I'd pay for her meal.

She just sits there, waiting. Waiting for me to say something, I guess. Which is fine, because I have some things to say.

"Look... I'm tired of the games. You can find someone else to pursue you, or whatever it is you want."

She sighs, with that aggravating patience of hers. "It's only a game because you define it that way. Maybe if you tell me what the problem is..."

Me: "Quit that, please. This isn't easy for me. I've invested a lot of time and effort in you. And still, you won't do the same for me. You won't even make a little effort."

Her: "I shouldn't have to make any effort. And effort you invest in me, well, that's your decision. I never asked you to pursue me, did I?"

Me: "No, but admit it, you've made yourself as attractive as possible. Of course I want you. Of course I want you to be mine. You're what I've wanted all my life." The wind picks up, a few of my napkins take to the wind. I snatch the ones I can.

Her: "I'm sorry. I have all I need. The main problem is you want to own me. You want to be seen out with me, to parade about with me on your arm, to claim me to your friends and put me up on your Facebook status and all. And that doesn't work for me. You're a good guy. But I'm not your possession. That's not me. If you think you can attain me like that, you never really knew me in the first place."

Me: "Then why the hell lead me on like you have? I mean, I guess you just like being pursued, right? I'd never thought your self-esteem was that lacking."

Her, giving me a disappointed look: "Ego has nothing to do with it, and you know better. This isn't about me. I am who I am. It's about you and how you feel. But yeah... pursuing me, that's important for you. And you have to do it to if you want me at all. It's not personal, that's all anyone will ever have of me. People can chase me if they want, and some people get to spend time with me and all, and get to know me. I enjoy that. But put their brand on me? No way. People have tried to do that, and they always fail at it. And I've never presented myself as 'attainable' to anyone."

I cross my arms; a nervous habit. I that when I'm upset. "You didn't say you'd be mine, but..."

She raises an eyebrow and smiles slightly. "But... what?"

I sigh. "Forget it. I see where this is going. You want to be available to everyone, is that it?"

She nods slowly -- not condescendingly, just in that patient way a teacher does when a pupil finally realizes something. "Well, not everyone. Not everyone wants me." She smiles. "Look. It's a big world out there, with lots of people, both men and women. Why tie myself down to just one person, one possibility? Don't you think it's a little selfish to want me to be just yours? A little old school as far as relationships go?"

Me: "Oh whatever. You can't say I don't think outside the box, there. I understand that relationships are subjective, are very different between different people. No one formula works for everyone, I know that. I'm the first one to pipe up with that when people bash gay marriage or polyamory--"

"--but you seem a little attached to the idea of ownership. Yeah?" She smiles.

Before I can reply to this, the wind blows my paper plate with all my food off the table. The plate catches my coffee on the way and spills it. A big mess. "Dammit!" I've gone from aggravated to angry.

Her: "It's okay, don't worry about it. Did you really need that anyway?"

I start to smart off, then I catch myself. She doesn't mean harm; she just doesn't get rattled about stuff like this. I squat down, pick up the plate and cup, and try to scrape up as much of the orange chicken off the ground I can.

And really, she has a point. The food wasn't that great and I'm somewhat relieved I'm not having to eat the rest of it. I'm kinda doubting this is "authentic Chinese" cuisine in any way. It's just there to be consumed.

I'm scraping up orange gelatinous goo and processed chicken with the paper cup, then dumping it on the ruined plate, fighting the wind trying to pull it from my hand even now. I notice that she's helping me, buffering the wind and helping me pick up napkins and my plastic fork and used condiment packets. She puts the trash in my hands when we're done. I dump the food in the cafe's waste receptacle. I look around for a recycle bin for the paper goods, and finally find one outside the restaurant next door. I walk over, toss them in there, walk back, and then sit back down.

Her: "Why didn't you just let the busboy get that? Or just dump it all in the trash? Would've been simpler."

I give her a puzzled look. "Why should I? I made the mess. No need to burden anyone else with cleaning it up. And no need to waste the paper in the trash. It wasn't much trouble anyway..."

Her clever smile tells me she already knew my answer; she knows me, my habits and my ways of thinking. I roll my eyes, more at myself than at her.

She leans over and places her hand on mine, not caring it's dirty and sticky. "I'm with you now. Aren't you enjoying this? Right now, this moment?" I nod, resigned. The clouds part a little, and sunlight lights her hair and features. She's beautiful.

Her: "Our moments together might be fleeting. That's all anyone is ever going to get from me. But I'm always there if you look for me with the right intent, the right sort of want. In your pursuit of me, trying to earn my approval... haven't you grown, improved, become a better person? Don't you consider that personal progress?"

She has a point, and knows it. So I guess no reply is necessary. I shrug and smirk.

Her: "And you never know, maybe one day you'll 'win' me. People have before, you know. Here and there."

Me, amused: "Maybe. I won't in this lifetime though, huh?"

She grins at my joke. "Probably not. Maybe a lifetime way down the road, though. Right?" She winks.

Me: "Thank you, Enlightenment."

She nods. She usually leaves around this point: I learn whatever I'm supposed to about our relationship and she bails. Not sure when I'll see her again... but actually, I do. I'll meet her again when I seek her out and need her, whenever that will be. Which may not always be when I want.

But that's the point, isn't it? I simply have to accept I can't control some things. Enlightenment, and when she comes, is one of those. So yeah, she's right. It's pursuing her, not attaining her, that makes any relationship with her possible at all. I'm just glad she's so patient with me. I may have failed her at times, but she's never failed me.

A lot of trouble and effort for just a little progress. I do think Enlightenment is worth it, though.

Survey: Atheists, Agnostics Most Knowledgeable About Religion

Atheists, agnostics most knowledgeable about religion, survey says

I find this ironic on some levels, but my own experience bears this out.

One thing I don't mean to suggest here is "religious = uneducated/unintelligent." (I'm not saying you guys are saying that, I'm just making my own position clear.) I've known a good many smart and thoughtful people that practiced a faith, either casually or devoutly. I could discuss (or debate) points of theology with them because they knew their faith well, and sometimes were familiar with other religions.

As someone that has felt faith in his life, it's not a matter of being able to logically prove or justify that sort of belief. Faith isn't about raw knowledge, it's about how being hooked into a higher state of consciousness or being makes you feel. It's an emotional high of sorts, but that doesn't quite describe the experience of faith. It's hard to explain to someone that hasn't felt that, and it's certainly not my goal to indoctrinate anyone so they can "get it." My revelations, such as they are, are personal, and would have no relevance to anyone else.

By being "beyond logic," one can say faith "illogical," and by technical definition that's accurate. But it suggest that being religious requires one to live in some sort of intellectual vacuum. Now, for some people, that's pretty spot-on. But for many it's not. Faith and reason aren't mutually exclusive. Some people choose to develop one aspect of themselves while neglecting others. Reason and exist can exist side-by-side in the same person, because verifiably they often do.

What dismays me is how little many believers actually know about their own religions. It makes a certain amount of sense that a believer might not know a lot about other belief systems, but for people to invest their souls and lives in something they barely understand is almost inexcusable to me. The only way that makes sense is if they have a learning disability, are illiterate and can't read their holy texts, or are brought up in an isolated and oppressive religious community where alternate interpretations are not tolerated. Because if I'm going to invest that much of me in a religion, you'd better believe I'm going to learn as much about it as I can. I owe that much to myself, and also to whatever god or forces I believe in -- what need would my patron have of an uninformed follower, one that can quote homilies but can't be bothered to learn doctrine? To exist in a bubble of faith and ignorance doesn't do oneself or one's faith justice. Yet sadly that's the case for many.

I do have theories on why this might be the case. Be prepared, what I'm going to say isn't very flattering to a lot of people.

There's a certain stigma that accompanies intellectuals and education in this country, especially on the religious right. And it's easy to chalk this up to reactionary stupid people... a little too easy. Because I think, in many cases, we have intellectual elitism to blame: the attitude that we're better than those of lesser education, and that we can dismiss whatever they say. Hell, I'm often guilty of it myself. I believe the roots of this snobbery lay in class conflicts, as the educated typically (but certainly not always) have more money; this used to be the case more often than it is now, but old habits and attitudes die hard. When one is looked down upon by people -- as we do the evangelical redneck with little educational grounding in the Bible -- one begin to resent this treatment and look for ways to feel superior to the elitists. The religious claim moral superiority, in spades, and develop negative associations with intellectualism. They choose not to take a scholar's approach to their faith (consciously or not), as they don't want to emulate those arrogant snobs in tweed jackets or liberal TV pundits that so cleverly deconstruct what they believe is sacred. They find our Bill Mahers and Janeane Garofalos and every bit as abrasive as we find their Sarah Palins and Jerry Falwells. We quote scripture at them to discredit them, they quote it at us to brand us as faith-killing jerks, and no one really listens to anyone.

This is just my theory, of course, but it seems to pan out. Certainly, some people are just intellectually lazy and become mentally weak -- much like my own physical laziness has led to my being out of shape. There's no helping these people. But I think it's a mistake to discount all religious backlash against educated people as fundies being willfully stupid. Perhaps some of the blame lay at our own feet. Maybe if we self-proclaimed theologians made more attempts to reach out to the religious and find common ground with them, we would find it. That may not bear fruit, but what we're doing only alienates them. Trying something different can't hurt.

Of course, that would require us to climb off our high horses and meet them as equals, to offer the olive branch while not girded with the armor of intellectual smugness. Hard, isn't it? I'll be the first to admit, I'm often quite comfortable on my own horse. Especially when it seems the opposition is similarly mounted. So what do we value, honestly: accord or ego? Whatever we choose, that will help set the tone for further interaction.

Environmental Alarmists: You're Not Helping the Cause

Here's a little line I pulled from the following article:

World examines "impossible" goal to halt extinctions

 "The world has made some progress since 2002, such as in expanding protected areas for wildlife. But U.N. studies say extinction rates are running up to 1,000 times higher than those inferred from fossil records in the worst crisis since the dinosaurs were wiped out 65 million years ago."

I hate to play Devil's Advocate here: I'm invested in environmental causes as well, and I'm not making light of the very real and detrimental impact mankind is having on the ecosystem. But as someone that values fact and solid science over histrionics I kinda have to point this out...

Our fossil records have given us a wealth of information, and I personally find paleontology fascinating. But on the whole, they aren't very detailed at all. We're not even seeing 1% of the animals that ever existed. We can look at fossils of trilobites, stegosaurs and the like, but with us missing so much of the record it's very difficult to place these species into context. We can infer what role a creature or plant served in the ecosystem based on analysis of its features (it's clear stegosaurs weren't carnivores, for example), but we almost never get to see anything in the way of internal organs which can be vital in deciphering what these organisms were actually like. Nature throws us curve balls all the time, and it takes a very sophisticated eye to catch some of them. But there's not enough left to see in extinct animals to catch those, see? And without a detailed analysis of all the organisms that existed in a given time and location -- not just megafauna, but plants, insects, bacteria, and other subtle things that are vital to the ecosystem -- we can only make broad inferences about what an ecosystem was like and what organisms that comprised it might have done. Often we have to fill in gaps with educated guesses ("This was a herbivore, so there had to have been plants around")... filling in pieces of great puzzles most of whose pieces are long gone. Since most organisms that have ever existed have left us absolutely no trace of their existence, we can't really determine at what rate they went extinct. (I'd make an exception for the K-T Event, in which a great number of plants and animals went extinct; however, the KTE can't be considered typical of extinctions.)

So statements like "Extinction rates are running up to 1,000 times higher than those inferred from fossil records" sound like the sort of alarmist pseudo-science people tend to throw out all the time. For me to buy this I'd have to see strong evidence for it, and from what I've seen it just isn't there. And just as I roll my eyes at such declarations, there are a double handful of skeptics out there that know enough science to rip such assertions to shreds.... and with a lot more relish than I have. This doesn't do anything to help the environmental movement. But it does give opponents ammunition to use against it, and makes environmentalists look like left-wing fringers and worryworts relying on faulty science. It doesn't matter if this is the case or not, if that's how we're perceived that's bad for us. That's why we have to ground our assertions in hard science and verifiable fact, things not so easily dismissed.

And, again, I'm not some pundit trying to deny or downplay humanity's impact on the ecosystem. But isn't it enough to simply point out the facts of what we're doing, instead of comparing current trends to almost entirely theoretical models of past extinctions?

What's the Goddamned Problem?

I wonder how many people that complain about people "taking God's name in vain" realize that "God" is their deity's name the same way "Person" is their own name?

What do I mean? God is a title, not a proper noun. Same with Lord and even Christ; all are titles, not names. Similarly, "The President" is not Obama's name, even when capitalized; it's a formal title and describes what he does, but that title can be applied to 43 other people in our Nation's history and isn't unique to him. The same basic principle applies to "god."

 The Biblical god's actual name is YHWH, or "Yahweh" in English. (And "Jehova" would be pronounced a lot like "Yahweh," not like "juh-HOE-vuh"; there is no J in the Hebrew alphabet) We know this because the "God" of the Christians is the god of the Jews. In the Torah (the original Old Testament, unadulterated and pre-translated), Exodus 3:14 reads: "I AM THAT I AM/ Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you/ YHWH God of your fathers/ this is my name for ever." This distinguish the god of the Israelites from all the other gods worshiped in and around the Middle East during that time. There are other names for YHWH too (like Elohim and Ehyeh), but "YHWH" seems to be the default name of the Judeo-Christian god. "Jesus" is an example of a proper name... though it's clearly a Roman name (since it has a J); Yeshua was most likely his given Hebrew name.

As an aside, the word "god" is actually Germanic in origin, a gender-neuter term to describe any deity. (This means the word "goddess" is superfluous.) So anyone calling YHWH "God" is actually giving unintentional homage to the Germanic pagans.

If you're talking about an entity above and beyond the Christian god, a sort of transcendent super-deity and Creator, the proper name "God" still doesn't apply very well... though it can work as a title. What need would the Creator (which is also a title and not a name) have for a name? Naming is a human thing, probably unique to our species. Nouns (proper or not) are a side effect of our having developed language, and are quite possibly the foundation of language itself. We need names because there are lots of other people and objects out there, and it's very close to impossible to communicate or enjoy complex reason without nouns. Our ancestors wouldn't have gotten far without developing grunts for "oh shit, snake!", "no eat poison berries!", "mammoth over there!" and what-have-you. But if there's just one Creator (and I'm inclined to believe that), then there's no need to it to have a name at all -- there is only one Creator, and the Creator just is.

What confuses and concerns me is that Christians still resist using "Yahweh," and insist on referring to their deity as the capitalized generic title. The true name of their demigod messiah is also largely unknown, and "Jesus" is used instead. I can understand the Roman Empire did that to "de-Hebrewfy" the god they adopted from the Jews, but why are people still doing that now? Is there still that much Antisemitism in Christianity? Or is it that not many Christians are educated about this? I know if I were staking my eternal salvation on a faith you better believe I'd try to learn as much about it as I could, and these naming inaccuracies seem like a really big things to miss.

 So, in short: Christians, when someone says "goddamn!" or some variation thereof, he or she isn't taking your god's name in vain, as it's been clearly established that "god" isn't a name at all. Same with "Christ almighty!", "lordy lordy" and so on. I could give you some actual examples of taking your god's name in vain... but my purpose here is to illuminate, not offend.

Goddess

big woman

You were worshiped for eons
desired and loved
the temple priestess
Divinity in flesh
immortalized in sculpture
exalted in canvass
glorious to behold
heavenly to hold
intoxicating to all senses

but forget this truth
believe in lies instead
submit to exploitation
hate You and Your body
fashion mags are bibles
the media speaks truth
let the shallow define You
they can't be wrong
so reality must be flawed

ignore history and biology
they cannot mean anything
choose starvation and denial
diet and purge and despair
hide Your beauty in shame
deny Your senses and desire
revile warmth and softness
and seek to become ugly bone
and never ever love You

for if You knew Your beauty
if You knew the desire You inspire
if You knew Your Divinity
if You knew Your power
if You knew Your potential
if You knew Your worth
if You knew truth
if You loved You
like You should love You


You would see through the lies
You would love Your body
You would accept nothing less
than all You deserve and desire
You would deny those that deny You

none could chain or shame You
none could use or abuse You
none could make You hate You
if You only knew that You are
 
Goddess

Starting Out

Hi, this is my second attempt at a blog, which I started at the behest of a few people that have the mistaken impression I have interesting things to say. *grin* My first one was one I had on MySpace for a while, and I rarely visit MySpace anymore (I feel kinda guilty about that), so I'm going to blog here exclusively from here on out. I may recycle some of my material from my old blog, and you're welcome to make fun of me if you see something familiar here. But I'll add mostly new entries, and will attempt to post here frequently... but not obnoxiously -- I'm not the sort to blog every time I make a sandwich, hear a joke or whatever. I prefer content to noise, and I'm sure most of you do too.

In any case, to old friends and new readers, feel free to subscribe and comment.